Yay Movies: Clash of the Titans

Ahhhhh the beginning of the Summer movie season. In April. Oh well, who gives a shit. It's 70 degrees outside, and there are about 4 movies this month that I'm dying to see. Titans was one of them, and I suppose I should have just kept on waiting.

Clash of the Titans is a remake (or re-imagining, if you want to be picky) of the 1981 movie of the same name. The '81 flick was characterized by an average story with pitiful acting, combined with bad producing and horrible special effects. Naturally, it became a cult classic. This version has an average story with average acting combined with good producing and above average special effects. I'm guessing it will make $100 million.

The problem with Titans isn't that the movie isn't interesting, it's just your typical summer blockbuster movie, where the story is just there as an excuse to show you some sweet special effects. It starts with a fisherman who hauls up a coffin out of the water containing a dead woman, and a live baby. He naturally doesn't question how an infant could have survived living in an airtight box under the water (who would?). He just proceeds to raise the kid on his own. The kid grows up to be Perseus, played by Sam Worthington (he of the Avatar fame). He follows his adoptive father's path, helping him fish the seas for, uh, fish I suppose. You really never get to see, because as they are floating on the sea, they watch a bunch of soldiers toss a statue of Zeus off the side of the mountain. This pisses off a god (who we later find out to be Hades), who shows up and kills them all. Then for shits and giggles, he flips poor Perseus' pops boat, and they all sink to the bottom of the sea. Perseus lives, and is taken in by the remaining soldiers. This leads him into learning he is the son of Zeus and is a god and the only person who can stand up to the gods, who are total dicks and they want to wipe out a city, because they don't go to church enough (the people, not the gods).

And so on.

The whole story just goes flying by, and not a single character is developed or given a backstory beyond a footnote or a quick sentence. The thing that I've always loved about Greek and Roman mythology is that it has a rich and complex history with it's god and heroes. Everybody has a story, and they usually have ties to the rest of the pantheon of characters. In this movie, you never even get to know Perseus' pops name before he becomes the flair at the bottom of the gods' fish tank. The other main characters include the king's daughter Andromeda, who Perseus goes off to fight for, despite knowing her for approximately 4 seconds. The captain of the king's guard Draco (who's name I had to look up on IMDB because they never say it in the movie) played by the guy who cried blood in Casino Royale. Decent attention is paid to the 2 main gods in the show, probably because they had it written into their contracts. Zeus is played by Liam "Qui Gon" Neeson, and Hades is done by Ralph "Voldemort" Fiennes. The two are actually a bright spot in the acting department, as they ham it up to the point where it becomes fine art.

The action is pretty cool, but without any emotional attachment to any of the characters, it comes off somewhat hollow. The end of the movie shows the appearance of the great beast known as The Kraken. Hugely hyped up in the commercials, the Kraken lasts all of 30 seconds before it's dispatched by Perseus. Whoopeeee!

The fact that I've given this review more than 20 minutes of my life proves that I could totally be a screenwriter in Hollywood, because they couldn't have spent more than 15 writing Clash of the Titans. It's hard for me to give this movie anything higher than a 6.5 when the preview I saw for The Expendables before it was way better. Observe: (sorry about the Geico Commercial)